The Voice That Kept Me on the Floor

"By the time I was finally willing to be honest, take responsibility, and deal with the aftermath of the choices I'd made in my relationships, the voice in my head telling me what an idiot and what an asshole and what an inconsiderate person I was, was so loud that I couldn’t keep going listening only to that.

That voice literally put me on the floor.

There were days where I did not have obligations to anyone, I would lay on the floor and push it with my fists or cry.

Finally it hit me: this voice is quite literally getting me nowhere.

I’ve been listening to this voice because I’ve been so afraid that it’s the one that is most right in me, the one that’s shaping my behavior—but clearly it led me astray already. It’s leading me astray now.

The only thing this voice is capable of doing is keeping me on the floor.

There were other voices in my head, telling me, 'Be gentle with yourself, honey. Be nicer to yourself. Take yourself to yoga, breathe, please. Drink water.'

I wasn’t yet fully ready to trust that those voices were telling me the truth.

But I knew that when I listened to them, I at least did different things than just lay on the floor.

If nothing else, it was worth the experiment, right?"

—excerpt from my Author Hour interview with Drew Appelbaum, talking about my book Please Make Me Love Me. Listen to the full conversation at authorhour.co or on Apple Podcasts.